Biophage: I realize I'm not well

Sometimes I feel like no one ever says anything to me. I'm trapped in my own little shell and I'm too afraid to go outside and look around.

I'm happier on my own. Other people make me anxious. I just kind of cringe away from them.

At the same time, the thing I want most in the world is praise. I want to be told that I do a good job and everything is going to be okay.

I would be a submissive, except that even as I want to be told what to do, I strike out without thinking. It's just the way I was built, I guess.

I don't want human company, but I need the effects of human company. The rules and the orders telling me what I should do step-by-step.

That's why I liked working as a casino cashier. There was always a rule about everything, and if you followed the rules everything moved smoothly forward and there was no panicking and freaking out.

But now, it's just me by my self trying to figure things out.

I am scared out of my fucking mind. Like all the time. Just anxiety and terror ripping through me.

The fact that I owe shit tons of money does not make anything any different. It just is what it is.

My life is the suck. That's all I'm sayin'.

So take this whole messed up situation, and add a touch of mental illness.  Just a touch. That's all I'll admit to.

To be honest, I'm actually pretty scared to go talk to anyone and ask for help. Even though I know I need it, I'm too scared to do it.

It's that whole "Anxious About Talking To Other People" thing I mentioned earlier.

Me being crazy has never been a factor in the rest of my life. It hasn't been.